My brother died on 1st October 2011. I remember getting the news and this completely knocked me off my feet. I remember shock waves running through my body and for a moment I was completely numb and dumbfounded before I broke down into tears. I cried for a while without talking to anyone. All this while, my mind was full of thoughts, my body experiencing all sorts of emotions. I was on and off my breath focus. I felt like I couldn’t do anything than just cry and cry and
cry! But I knew that this wouldn’t help me. I knew I had to face reality of my
brother dying and the sooner I did it the better. In reality, no amount of thoughts, feelings or emotions would bring him back, this I knew in certainty.
Finally it was time for me to step out of the mind games i was participating in and take self responsibility of the reality i was facing through my participation. I took a breath, calmed down and started to look myself through and as self-honesty using common sense.
Here is what I realized I had allowed and accepted as my current reality which was triggered by my brothers death:
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the brother/sister relationship I had with him.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as part of me dying when he died.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to view him as someone separate from me.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that experiencing many thoughts, feelings and emotions in regards to the memories I have of him is normal.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that pain is a normal part of life.
· I’ve accepted and allowed sadness to exist within me because he is dead.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that he is gone forever.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to miss him.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed that he died too soon.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have anger towards the lady who killed him.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sorrow.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to many times think about him.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think he is gone forever.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that I will never see him again.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that it was my fault that he died because I assisted him start a business where he met the woman who killed him.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that he wouldn’t have died if I was in Kenya with him.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that he wouldn’t have died if we had our own house to live in.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that he wouldn’t have died if was near him so as to help him fight the woman who killed him.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame the circumstances that led to his death.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to many times exist as memories of him, I and my family, memories of his smile, his laughter, his eyes, his smell, his playfulness, his alcohol problem, his violent nature, him nurturing his daughter.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have fear on where he is now.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wonder whether he is ok wherever he is.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for his 3year old daughter that he left behind.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that a part of me is gone forever as him.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear what lies beyond death.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear death.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to worry about what’s going to happen to me after his burial.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life will change without him.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to many times try to imagine how he died.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing his coffin.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear viewing his dead body.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to control my thoughts feelings and emotions during his burial time.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that when others will be breaking down and crying during his burial I must allow and accept this to tear me apart.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear watching his body being buried.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear throwing sand in his grave during his burial.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that he may appear in the dark and harm me.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being in darkness.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear going to the bathroom/toilet alone especially at night.
· I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that life is useless and meaningless after someone dies.
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